Better To Be Unlucky
Sam, an unemployed piano tuner, said it was only the second thing he had ever won in his life. The first thing was an Afghan blanket at a church raffle when he was 25 years old. But this was much bigger: it was $120,000! He had won the Big Cube, a state lottery game. To win, a contestant must first guess which number a spinning cube will stop on. The cube has six numbers on it: 1X, 10X, 50X, 100X, 500X, and 1000X. If he is correct, the contestant must then guess which of two selected variables is going to be greater. So, just guessing which number appears on the cube does not guarantee that you will win any money.
Sam correctly guessed 1000X, but he still had to choose between two variables. One variable was the number of cars that would run the stop sign at Hill Street and Lake Avenue in six hours. The other variable was the number of times that a teenage boy would change TV channels in a three-hour period. This was a tough decision.
Finally, Sam flipped a coin. It came up heads, so Sam picked the teenager. He picked right. The stop sign was run only 76 times, but the teen clicked 120 times. Sixty-year-old Sam jumped for joy, for he had just won 1000 times 120, or $120,000. Sam dreamily left the lottery studio. Talking excitedly on his cell phone while crossing the street, he got hit by a little sports car.
Sam is slowly getting better. He was in the hospital for a month. His hospital bill was $110,000. And the insurance company for the little sports car’s owner sued Sam for $9,000 worth of repairs. Also, Sam still has to pay federal taxes on his winnings. Sam doesn’t play the state lottery any more. He says it’s better to be unlucky.
Posted by nidal at 13:35 0 comments
Beautiful Teacher Smiles, then Walks Away
The annual teachers’ meeting was the only time that all the teachers got together in one place at one time. It was a 3-hour meeting, from 7 to 10 p.m. Lecturers talked on various subjects. Each talk was followed by a question and answer period. It was an informal, pleasant evening.
The evening always began with a delicious dinner catered by a local restaurant. This year’s host was a Middle Eastern restaurant. Teachers piled as much as they wanted on their paper plates and found a seat outdoors or in the auditorium. Most teachers really seemed to appreciate the food.
For Shane, this evening was his opportunity to check out the female teachers. This year, a beauty walked into the auditorium about 10 minutes late. She sat in the row in front of Shane, just two seats away. Shane couldn’t believe it. She was not only the best-looking woman in the auditorium, but she smiled at him before she sat down. She was tall and had long red hair. She was wearing a sexy black cocktail dress.
Shane could not focus on the meeting anymore. He looked at the lecturers less than he looked at the redhead. He was enveloped in her perfume. She took notes right-handed. She ran her fingers through her hair. She crossed and uncrossed her legs. Shane was going crazy. Plus, there was no ring on her left hand.
The meeting ended. The dean thanked everyone for attending. Everybody applauded the presenters. The redhead stood up. Shane stood up. She smiled at him, and then walked out. Shane walked out. She went to the restroom. Shane waited. When she came out, he walked up to her.
“Hi,” he smiled. “My name’s Shane. I was wondering if you have time for a cup of coffee. I was hoping we could share some of our teaching experiences.”
She smiled. “Why, thank you. That’s sweet of you. I appreciate your offer, but I’ve got to get home. My husband is babysitting tonight, and I’m sure he’s pretty tired. Maybe another time?” She smiled, and walked away.
Posted by nidal at 13:34 0 comments
Bathtub Blues
A middle-aged man with a long beard was arrested by the police for disorderly conduct and property damage. “More charges might be added later,” said a police officer.
The man, identified as Bill Wild, checked into the Motel Five last night about an hour after sunset. Telling the clerk that he would be staying four nights, he paid cash in advance. He then asked her where a grocery store was. She said that the nearest grocery store was John-Johns, which was only two blocks away.
The police said that Wild went to John-Johns and purchased three gallons of honey and four gallons of chocolate syrup. The checker asked him what the occasion was. He replied, “I’m trying to become a sweeter person.” The checker smiled at the joke.
Wild drove back to the motel. He opened all seven containers and poured them into the bathtub. He added warm water to the mix. Then he placed his boom box on the bathroom floor next to the tub. He tuned the radio to an opera station. He got undressed, hopped into the tub, and started singing loudly with the music.
Fifteen minutes later, the lodgers in the room next door phoned the clerk. She banged on Wild’s door, but he kept singing. She phoned his room, but he didn’t answer. Then she called the police, who arrived quickly.
“Well, at least he paid in advance,” said the clerk. “That money will help pay for the plumber.” The bathtub drain was completely clogged. The tub remained full of chocolate and honey.
“You just never know about people,” said the clerk. “He seemed so nice and friendly. Who’d have thought he was a bathtub-singing nut?” The police said this was the third time that Wild had been arrested for this kind of behavior.
Posted by nidal at 13:32 0 comments
Bank Robbery
It was 80 degrees in the shade. A man wearing a heavy army jacket, a pullover wool cap, and dark sunglasses walked into the First American Bank at the corner of Maple and Main streets in downtown Short Beach.
The man walked up to the teller and held up a hand grenade for all to see. He said, “Give me all your money, all the money in this bank, right now!”
Everyone in the lobby screamed and started running, even the security guard. Nervously, the young female teller handed the man three big bags loaded with cash. He walked out the door. A second later, one of the money bags exploded, covering him with red dye. He yelled in pain and surprise, and started pacing around in circles because he couldn't see where he was going.
He couldn’t see, but he could hear. He heard the police siren get closer. Then he heard the police tell him to get down on his stomach on the sidewalk and put his hands behind his back. They handcuffed him and placed him in the back of the police car.
Seeing the hand grenade on the sidewalk, the police told everyone to get back. They sealed off the whole block and called the bomb squad. The bomb squad came and examined the hand grenade. Then they laughed. They told the police it was a fake. The hand grenade was actually a harmless dummy, something a 12-year-old might play with.
The police chuckled. The bank employees returned to work. The bank customers returned to their lines. The bank robber, hopefully, would never return.
Posted by nidal at 13:32 0 comments
Bad Weed, Bad Call
Boy, this is the worst weed I’ve ever had, Wesley thought, even though it smelled great. He’d rolled two joints, smoked them both, and still didn’t feel high. He’d heard about some super weed that gets people so high that they think they’re straight. Maybe this was super weed. Naw, he thought. This is just crap. His best buddy had ripped him off! There was only one thing to do: call the police.
Wesley told the police his problem. They said they would be right over. He went to the front door and unlocked it. Slowly, he printed Buster’s phone number and address on a cigarette paper. He put it into the big baggie of grass. He wondered if his call was going to make TV news. Or maybe the front page of the newspaper: “Good Citizen Turns in Drug Dealer.” Wow! The city might make him an honorary deputy sheriff. He lit another joint—maybe the third one would be the charm ...
He heard the car doors closing and the footsteps approaching. All right, he thought. He wondered if they had brought a television crew with them. Maybe he’d make the 11 o’clock news. The police were very polite. They thanked him for Buster’s phone number and address. Then they arrested Wesley. “What for?” he protested.
“For possessing more than 28 grams of pot,” an officer replied.
“But this isn’t pot—it’s more ‘not’ than ‘pot.’ Why do you think I called you—I got ripped off!”
“Well, we’ll see about that after the lab analyzes it. If you’re both lucky, you did get ripped off.”
Posted by nidal at 13:31 0 comments
Bad Pork
What’s that smell, Nadine wondered. She had bought a big piece of pork from the market four hours ago. As always, she smelled the pork after the butcher handed it to her. It had smelled fine. But now, it didn't. She cut into the other side of the pork and took another sniff. Annoyed, she wrapped up the pork, grabbed her receipt, and drove back to the market.
She went up to the same butcher who had handed her the pork that morning. She asked him to smell the pork. He said that it smelled okay and gave it back to her. She told him to call the manager of the meat department. The manager came out a minute later. Nadine told him about the pork. She also told him that he needed to hire butchers who had better noses. He smelled the pork. “Phew,” he said. He apologized to Nadine.
Then he spoke to the butcher, who said he couldn’t smell anything because he had a cold. “You have a cold and you’re handling meat and fish? Go home!” The manager turned back to Nadine, apologized again, and told her she could have a full refund. She gave him the pork and thanked him. She inspected a couple of fresh trout and had them wrapped up. She went to the cashier at the front of the market, got her refund for the pork, paid for the fish, and walked out. While she was getting into her car, the manager told another butcher to grind up the pork with a little lime juice and sell it at a 20-percent discount.
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